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Too much silence can drive a person to insanity.

Beautiful [Conniving] Surprise

      With one eye I saw the heart of a friend, the smile of a man, a facade                                                                  at the most,

         and through the other, nothing, but a head full of compliments, and a smirk of a                                                                                con artist.


And all is silent
 I always wondered what it would be like to live a life of silence.
What kind of things would I think, want to say, know, learn..

Would I learn that all things are unimportant like Don Juan said in the book A Separate Reality...
as in the things that normally I would respond with to things people say, is unimportant just like the things they are speaking of...
Or, would I learn that it is all unimportant but it's very significant to say or do it like Budha once taught..
as in everything I do or say is just as unimportant as the things they are speaking of, but it is still important to say or do whatever it may be.
I'm not sure.

I think silence is why I love being alone so much.  It's always quiet and meditative, even with music.
Also with friends who don't mind the silence, or may enjoy it as much as I do.

I think I would appreciate everything around me much more that I already do.  
The things you would hear, the birds, the wind, the crickets, the trees... it's all so beautiful.
To actually listen to life around you..it must be a humbling experience.

I want to try it.
I'm going to go just a whole day completely dedicated to silence, maybe two, just for the hell of it.
Listening. Thinking. Learning.

I feel my passion for writing coming back.
this may be good for me.

stage II loneliness
 I'm starting to feel alone again.
But, the thing is..I think I bring it upon myself, and I don't know why.
I push everyone away. All the time. Whenever I start getting into the groove of calling people and showing up where I say I will, and not being sketchy as much...I crawl back into my hiding spot and disconnect myself from everyone and everything.
And even though I KNOW I'm doing this....I can't help it.

I have the two biggest faults any person could have, especially together.
I expect too much (without really expecting at all) and I distance myself too much.

I get so caught up on a certain idea of something or someone, that I never really allow anything real to happen to me. Because by then, I would have convinced myself that it wasn't right.
I try to control everything all the time, so that way I won't get hurt in the end...but I'm realizing that by doing that..I'm only hurting myself even more.

And now..when it comes to any kind of relationship, I never know if I'm expecting too much, because I have this idea in my head of how it should be, or if I'm only pushing myself away with the idea of expecting too much so I won't get any closer.  I'm so ridiculous.

You know, with all the things that have happened with my family in the past, I never saw how it affected me. Not one bit.
My dad...doing the things he did, at age 9..it was heartbreaking to have to deal with it all.  But I was fine.  I pushed through for my mom and sister, I had to help them deal with it. Everything.
Then my first step dad...he was a psycho, having to deal with him in general, and then him and my mom fighting constantly, throwing things, hitting, but I had to help my mom push through it.
I never had any real time to help myself through any of it.  Because to me...I was fine.  They were the ones that needed help. They needed me to be strong for them. So I did.
But now...when my sister and my mom are happily married, finally they are truly happy....I'm now left to finally deal with it all. ten years later from the very beginning. 
But the only thing I know how to do is seem strong. I can't even think to let my family see me break.  Although I know they would be right beside me if I did, but because of everything I had to do...I can not let it happen.  I can't really help myself, because I honestly don't know how too.  I have always been taking care of them.  I mean don't get me wrong, I have no regrets..I wanted to help them.
It's just weird to finally be able to see how something ten years ago and six years ago has affected my life so much in such I way that I don't know how to fix it.

I'm scared of relationships because of it...and anything permanent.
I'm scared of putting myself out there at all. I'm scared to be vulnerable...because I will get hurt.
And yet with knowing all of this.. I still sit alone in my bedroom, staring at the wall wishing for ignorance, hoping the phone would ring and it would be someone special, but still not answering anyone or communicating at all to any part of the world outside my door.

I used to look in the mirror and see flaws,
but now I look and I see me...how I used to be, only different. I see a girl who is so capable of doing anything but chooses to do things in her own way, and I love that about myself...I do. But when I look deeper I see a girl who is struggling to understand who she really is.
And I start to shut people out, because they seem so irrelevant to me at that point.
There is truly noone who really understands me...some are close, but noone truly knows who I am. And I hate it.

I'm all mixed up.

Unattainable <3

 I'm a wanderer, a lost soul to most, craving everything                            from coast to coast,
      the tide comes in, but always goes out, never in one place,
                                that's what I'm about,
 I can't seem to keep my feet under control, because I'm nothing but                                         a gypsy soul. <3

I just experienced something that truly made me realize that we as people, by things that we do, and say, even when we think no one sees or hears us...it can effect someone.  You can be the beam of light for someone who is deep in darkness!
Just by being good, loving, understanding people we could reach out to others in need.
We don't have to be Christians or part of any religion to do that...I, myself do not believe in any religion and I still find myself wanting to be a good, loving person to people around me...

It's such an amazing feeling to know you have helped someone all the way across the world with your words.

Be Gentle, and Kind, and always Understanding,
          the person you sow will be the person you reap.

Peace and love to all.


    "For I'm as free as a bird now,
                           and this bird you cannot change!"

I just watched the movie The Runaways, and it was Awesome!
It mainly incorporated the kind of wandering freedom I've always craved.
I feel as though I'm close to it, I'm almost at the point to finally just let go and be free...
maybe not forever, but if I get a story out of it...I'm satisfied.
All I want are stories, crazy, out of this world, impossible stories that can only happen if you let go of your inhibitions and everything that you know as your life at this point and just wander...to be completely free.     To meet crazy people and learn about them and experience life's surprises and mishaps and dangers and love...I can't wait

I was looking up different lyrics today, and saw a lot of song names that I had no idea what the song was about.  So I started choosing songs based on their names..to see if they were any good.  I started to realize what kind of song titles I would lean towards...things I like.  I found out a lot.

I like trains. 
Never been on one but I would love to chase after one and jump on board. Or just ride like any other normal person.
I like water.
in general. a lot.
I love butterflies.
did you know the original name for butterfly was flutterby? =) love it.
I love the thought of freedom.
COMPLETE freedom.
I love the colors green, purple and orange.
I like stripes
I like lizards and snakes.
I love flowers.
I love setting suns.
I love sand.
I love wind.
I love rain.
I love feathers.
I love pictures. and photography.
I like benches.
I like rocks. big ones.
I like the word song.
I like the concept of time.

and how it never stops. although it would be nice to pause it.
I like interesting words.
like Cavern, Squirming, Llama, Fikus, Wedge, Subtle, and Mango.
I like circles and swirls.
I love horses.

Probably odd how I found all this out just by song titles..but pretty cool too. =)


Feel with your heart

Happiness can be found in even the darkest of times,
       when one only remembers
to turn on the light.

                                                    < Dumbledore >

6 o' clock sunlight
Crossing my fingers for something great,
taking a chance on fate,
hoping for nothing but the best,
wishing for all the rest,

your face was like the sun,
and it was shining perfectly on me,
I know it was all with fun,
but I hope that you will see,
that everything you are,
matches everything I am,
here we are, reaching for the stars,
I don't want my feet to touch land,

You've carried me away with just one look,
with one smile, you've got me on your hook,
I've never known someone quite like you,
who knew, that fairytales could come true,

your touch felt like water,
running through my skin,
I've never felt hotter, 
deep down within,
you truly touched my soul,
with words that you say,
it's really taken it's toll,
in every single way,

so as the music plays,
we'll dance with our hearts,
awaiting the day,
when we're no longer apart.


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