Previous Entry Share Next Entry
stage II loneliness
 I'm starting to feel alone again.
But, the thing is..I think I bring it upon myself, and I don't know why.
I push everyone away. All the time. Whenever I start getting into the groove of calling people and showing up where I say I will, and not being sketchy as much...I crawl back into my hiding spot and disconnect myself from everyone and everything.
And even though I KNOW I'm doing this....I can't help it.

I have the two biggest faults any person could have, especially together.
I expect too much (without really expecting at all) and I distance myself too much.

I get so caught up on a certain idea of something or someone, that I never really allow anything real to happen to me. Because by then, I would have convinced myself that it wasn't right.
I try to control everything all the time, so that way I won't get hurt in the end...but I'm realizing that by doing that..I'm only hurting myself even more.

And now..when it comes to any kind of relationship, I never know if I'm expecting too much, because I have this idea in my head of how it should be, or if I'm only pushing myself away with the idea of expecting too much so I won't get any closer.  I'm so ridiculous.

You know, with all the things that have happened with my family in the past, I never saw how it affected me. Not one bit.
My dad...doing the things he did, at age was heartbreaking to have to deal with it all.  But I was fine.  I pushed through for my mom and sister, I had to help them deal with it. Everything.
Then my first step dad...he was a psycho, having to deal with him in general, and then him and my mom fighting constantly, throwing things, hitting, but I had to help my mom push through it.
I never had any real time to help myself through any of it.  Because to me...I was fine.  They were the ones that needed help. They needed me to be strong for them. So I did.
But now...when my sister and my mom are happily married, finally they are truly happy....I'm now left to finally deal with it all. ten years later from the very beginning. 
But the only thing I know how to do is seem strong. I can't even think to let my family see me break.  Although I know they would be right beside me if I did, but because of everything I had to do...I can not let it happen.  I can't really help myself, because I honestly don't know how too.  I have always been taking care of them.  I mean don't get me wrong, I have no regrets..I wanted to help them.
It's just weird to finally be able to see how something ten years ago and six years ago has affected my life so much in such I way that I don't know how to fix it.

I'm scared of relationships because of it...and anything permanent.
I'm scared of putting myself out there at all. I'm scared to be vulnerable...because I will get hurt.
And yet with knowing all of this.. I still sit alone in my bedroom, staring at the wall wishing for ignorance, hoping the phone would ring and it would be someone special, but still not answering anyone or communicating at all to any part of the world outside my door.

I used to look in the mirror and see flaws,
but now I look and I see I used to be, only different. I see a girl who is so capable of doing anything but chooses to do things in her own way, and I love that about myself...I do. But when I look deeper I see a girl who is struggling to understand who she really is.
And I start to shut people out, because they seem so irrelevant to me at that point.
There is truly noone who really understands me...some are close, but noone truly knows who I am. And I hate it.

I'm all mixed up.


Log in