(no subject)
 It's 9:35 am and I have been up since 7:00 am. I don't think I have seriously been up this early since high school and not be able to fall back asleep. It's weird.  In a way I like it though, I have a whole day ahead of me, but of course, I'll probably end up taking a nap later on counteracting my ability to stay awake now. Awesome.

So, this past weekend I went to a music festival in Boone.  It was probably some of the most fun I have had in a loong time. If not ever.
I met some of the most amazing people there and heard some of the best music.  Two things I can't seem to get enough of lately.
I wish I was there right now, dancing in the crowd like a gypsy, watching all the beautiful people around me burst with life and love.  If only the world could be like that.  Peaceful, loving, nothing to worry about other than who to talk too next.  It's the best feeling in the world knowing that "We're all Friends."  If I could leave my life as it is, with expectations that are formed by what we've been taught over the years, a certain outlook on life forced upon us by brainwashing and brainwashed people who can't seem to really think for themselves, for a simple life of wandering, people, love, and music, I would. Instantly.  It's just sad the world doesn't work that way.  It hardly functions now, and yet we, as people, still find ourselves full of hate and greed, unable to let go of what we know (because we've been TAUGHT that) and to really think for ourselves, and realize that we are alone on this earth. Each and every one of us is alone, but the good thing about it is..we don't have to be.  We can all be friends to each other. Everyone.  If we learn to let go of prejudices, and expectations, and just LIVE, together, with love, and acceptance...Man, how this world would be a better place.  

To love and take care of the place we live.  To treat it with respect because it is the only thing allowing us to survive on it.
                       Recycle, Stop polluting, Stop cutting down trees...simple things.

To love and accept each other for who we are as people and what we believe.
I myself was raised baptist. Yes, I can feel the resentment. But as I grew up and finally took the time to really think for myself what I believe, I came to the conclusion that I don't really believe in anything.  My belief is really that religion, in general, doesn't exist at all. Not really.  Obviously something created us, or in some way we appeared, but no one knows how.  There is not ONE person who can tell me how we got here, why we were created, and what is going to happen to us tomorrow...or in the end.  Not one person.  So, stories (religion) were (was) created as a coping mechanism.  The thought of not knowing anything really scares people.  If you realllly think about it.  Forget everything that you have ever been taught in your lifetime as what is right and what is wrong, there is nothing.  You know nothing.  It can drive a person crazy, SO whoever those first few people were...needed help to cope with not knowing.  They needed entertainment.  They told stories as to how they came about, and what would happen to them if people acted moral or immoral.  Over the years the stories progress, people seem hopeful, they begin to believe.  Now I am not saying that people like Jesus, and Buddha did not exist themselves, I very much believe they did.  I believe they were very powerful, peaceful, and intelligent people who very much lived and were looked up too.  However, I do not believe that either was an Almighty God, Creator of all things. No.  Most of what I am saying goes to Christians, because they seem to be the most ignorant of all religions.  MOST refuse to even consider another belief to be true and are very quick to judge and neglect.  I find that the Christian religion, in any aspect is full of contradictions.  Even the people of Christian faith act contradictory, so how would anyone in their right mind want to believe in something so confusing and down right immoral in itself.  But that is an entirely different argument for another time.  I believe no one knows what happened and what will happen, but I do not expect everyone to believe the same.  If someone wants to believe in Jesus as the lord or buddha as their god or whatever else...I am perfectly ok with that.  If they are in need of a coping mechanism, that is ok.  Now most people looking at this are probably saying, I don't need help coping?...well that's because you're only believing in something because that is how you were brought up.  It's the only thing you've ever known to be right, while all others are wrong.  Does that not seem a liittttlle messed up? Anyway...be accepting.

To treat nature and animals with the same respect as shown to people.
Yes we are the dominant species on this planet, however that does not mean they do not deserve our respect.  It's a give take relationship and that is the way it has to be...should be if we really want to keep surviving. 


Just live life and be happy
Stop putting limitations to people. Like money. and jobs.  People should be able to work together in providing things that we need, trade for other things that we need, and live in harmony.  No need for greed, and more money.  It's the root of all evil.

If only more people would obliged.

(no subject)
 I am sick and tired of this freaking place.
Gastonia, yes, definitely, but I mean this entire place. world. and how it works.
Especially the business part of it.

I hate the thought of having to kiss someone's ass just to keep your job. It's ridiculous.
Especially when you do your job and EVERYONE ELSE'S job in the place to the best of your ability every single day.
Also, when you have atleast 4 or 5 other people doing the same job as you, and yet YOU are the one that is singled out,
the one who is supposed to work on weekends or days you need off to visit schools?! 
It has been hard enough trying to decide where to go to school, 
and now when I'm finally able to go visit places, I'm getting scolded at by my boss saying how it shouldn't be my main priority? Are you kidding me? No, my main priority should be to work in a restaurant as a hostess and waitress for the rest of my life. NOT.
I swear. 

People are ridiculous. Management these days is ridiculous. 
Lazy people who request off work all the time should be granted that and patted on the back, but people who are doing the best they can every time they work, working for other people, and doing the jobs of other workers to help them, now THEYY get scolded at and threatened more than once. Like, what the hell?
How is all this so backwards?

How this world functions with such a backward, fucked up system and rules...is beyond me.
Is it bad for me to rebel so much? I mean really. I should not have to take it, and I won't.
And yet the only reason my mom can give me is...that is the rule of seniority. Really??...

I understand that is how everything works. You have to kiss ass. But, the thing is...I don't want to be like that. Like all the other mindless drones who degrade themselves just to keep a job? No. I'm sorry I won't. If that results in me never being able to keep a job and living on the streets, I'm actually ok with that.

I can survive on my own. I'll go away. I'll hitchhike. I'll live outside. completely free from everything. No bullshit.
I could find that indian tribe I've been wanting to find and live with them for a year...forever? who knows. I could be free to do whatever I feel like..I would really be free.  I could definitely live like the guy from "Into the Wild" He really knew what it was like to be free.  He believed in it and really did it.  I'm close to doing the same thing.
A couple more pushes in the same direction and it won't be that hard to go.

God, I'm so pissed off. 
I need a new job.
One where the people understand what I mean...I know it's out there. I just have to think.
Someone who knows what it's like to be a free spirit and a curious one at that.

Change is constant but I am not.
 So it's time for school to start back again, and unfortunately I am not participating in it this semester. 
It sucks
I'm stuck in Gtown with no one, and nothing to do!!! 
I hate that I even went to USC; they have done nothing but screw everything up. Including myself.
So now..I'm just working at the worst job ever, Logan's...trying to save up money. Psh.

I still have trouble making any permanent decisions. They scare me. 
Commitment. Permanent. Forever. uugghhh....I hate anything that refers to my future and a dead set deal.
I don't like the thought of doing one thing for the rest of my life..I want to do eveeryything!
I want to write, and photograph...work for National Geographic and Discovery Channel, taking photos.
i want to create my own magazine, writing my own articles, taking my own pictures, using my friends who are wanting to be fashion designers and keep building up until I've finally made it.
I want to travel everywhere and see everything. I want to experience other cultures.
I want to disappear for a while.
I want to be a true gypsy, moving from place to place however possible.
I want to live with an indian tribe for a year, just to experience it.
I hate the thought of being in an office, or a lab, or a classroom..foreever as my career. 

I don't like the thought of relationships anymore. That really freaks me out.
To completely commit everything to one person and to trust them with all of you...I don't think I could do it again.
But I do get lonely..I miss him. a lot. Last summer was one of the best of my life, and he will never really know how I truly feel for him.
It's too complicated, and I hate complications.  I hate drama. 

I just want peace and for there to be no work to be involved with a relationship. NO LABELS. they freak me out as well.

I know my problem is fear. I know this, and yet there is nothing I can really do to change it.
My mind is my worst enemy these days, I over analyze everything! What to eat, what I should wear, what I should say, how I should act, what I should do, what will make me happy....
I am told that I have major symptoms of OCD, which also scares me.
I don't want to have something wrong with me. I don't want to have crazy tendencies that people notice.
I want to be normal. 
I really want to be my true self again.
The fun, energetic, crazy, lovable biz that I used to be. I miss her.

Things have definitely changed, and I have changed along with them...and I don't like it.
I hate change. Especially when it deals with me.

The door opens,
and change walks through,
with no warning about what to do,
I can't get rid of him, he just wont go,
I push, he pulls, I tell him no,
and with his loud and spiteful voice,
he tells me I have no choice,
change is coming, so I better prepare,
life is not about being fair,
it's time for something new to come,
to guard my heart, I make myself numb,
numb to every change coming my way,
to help me get through each and every day,
I know it's cowardly to run and hide,
if only you knew how many times I've cried,
it's become second nature to me,
to protect myself from a potential enemy,
It's hard to allow anyone in,
when it always seems to change and hurt me again,
as much as I fight it, I just can't win,
he takes me by the hand and drags me to the end.

I need a run. <3

Speed Demon <3
 This is one of my favorite poems I have ever written. It's about a good friend of mine. =)

You live your life like you drive your car,
full throttle,
you know how to have fun, and party hard,
drinking straight from the bottle,
things in life can't bring you down,
you're always seen with a smile,
although when found with a fifth of crown,
we know you'll be absent for a while,
you seem to know a lot when it comes to the meaningless things in life,
such as, does the texas chainsaw massacre movie really live up to it's name?,
or whatever happened to Barney Fife?,
whatever trouble might come your way, you know exactly where to go,
you take a drive on the thing you know best,
the good 'ole open road,
you're sweet and kind, and in some ways a bit coy,
full of kisses and a set of lips, that according to some texts, I obviously enjoy,
you taught me something that's important to you, and convinced me to take the ride of my life,
you truly are something special, with no drama or strife,
it's hard to believe it all started with the awkward palm tree,
wow, how my paranoia really got to me,
things have started out well, and will continue to do the same,
but when it's time to part,
please promise me you'll stick to your claim,
stick to what you know, but don't fear to do something new,
because the best things in life always surprise you.

The shade is everywhere..
Things I want to do before the summer is over:
1. Climb up crowders at least 5 more times.
2. Do a back flip into the pool
3. Jump off a bridge into the lake
4. Jump down a waterfall
5. Go sky-diving
6. Go tubing down rapids in Virginia
7. Take a trip to the rock quarry
8. Become an expert at wake-skating
9. Learn to drive a straight-drive
10. Drive a moped
11. Drive a wave-runner
12. Go to the drive-in
13. Get a tattoo
14. Dye my hair
15. Go camping on top of crowders
16. Completely drench my car with mud from four-wheeling
17. Write a song
18. Play in the rain
19. Be kissed in the rain
20. Toilet paper someone's house :)

hm.. seems like it will be a pretty interesting rest of the summer.

and as the water falls..
I don't understand why I'm feeling like this..
so withdrawn, and lonely almost.
tears well up in my eyes without any real purpose.
it scares me.
I thought I was happy, I have no reason not to be..
I leave for college in less than three weeks, I have had the best summer ever..
I have met some of the most amazing people and yet still there is something just not right.
As I stare out my front door and watch the rain fall, it puts me into a trance..
one that I never want to end.
whoever said that a rainy day could make the blues go away?
I just want a thunderstorm.
a crazy, windy, almost unbearable thunderstorm..
and I want to just stand under the drops of rain until I am literally drenched from head to toe.
completely silent.
nothing to be heard but the rain and thunder.
flashes of lightning light up the sky..
and nothing else.
just me and the rain.
maybe it will wash away my worries..or whatever is going on.
just maybe.

"The sun and the moon will never meet together in the sky"
This seems crazy to me..
It's been almost a year since I have even looked at this website, and while looking at all the posts and feelings I had..and how different things are today, it just astounds me.
I'm glad things are different now, most definitely.
There have been quite of few changes in myself and my life in general..
1. I am no longer a virgin.
2. I am going to college.
3. I don't have a job.
4. I have a tattoo, and want another one.
5. I have a belly button ring.
6. I am hanging with new friends, who I love dearly.
7. I like burritos.
8. I am messier than before.
9. I can wake-skate.
10. I hardly eat anymore.

those are only the top ten..
it's crazy how life never stays the same.

I've also been thinking about growing up, and how much I don't want it to happen to me.
I like how I am now and what I can do.
I don't want more responsibilities or worries.
I don't want commitments.
of course no wrinkles, or weight gain.
I don't want kids..or a family.
do I even want marriage?
In ways I think I want all these things (besides wrinkles and weight gain) but then..thinking really hard; I really don't.
hmph. If only time stopped.

" the hands of time will crowd my mind,
and the days of revelry will subside,
with all the lasting flowers in bloom,
I say to thee I shall assume,
I shall assume the worst of them all,
the time where I must take my fall,
and everything I had made must die,
with one breath, one heavy sigh. "
- growing up.

In the woods looking down
These feelings drive me insane,
the only way to get rid of them is to forget you,
which is something I never want to do,
it's like ripples in a pond that never end,
bouncing from side to side, back and forth,
generating an uncomfortable flow,
these ripples drain me,
I bare through it for you,
anything I go through, or push through,
it's for you,
it has always been for you.

The Prancing Billy Goat
You make a scene everywhere you go, it's something you've always done,
trying to show off nothing spectacular, just pretending to have fun,
but deep down inside we all know it's true,
you're just a prancing billy goat, with nothing else better to do,

You tag along in your past, trying to prove you've moved on,
but nothing shows me better,  than you just staying gone,
it's obviously a concept you don't quite understand,
once you are out of here, you're legally band,

Come once, come twice, and yet let's come again,
you can't seem to stay away, but I'm sure it's to see us win,
or maybe it's the girl who you sit with at the top, or maybe.. it's the one
who cheers out in front with her enticing pop,
no one really knows except you,
the prancing billy goat who can't find anything better to do.


inside and out
i don't understand why everything is changing so drastically,
this happened last summer too, but in a whole different way,
relationships ended, fine,
he changed 360', his prerogative,
but he's always asking why aren't we friends? why?
but every time I tryyy to be his friend, he finds some way to screw it up,
and now even though he claims to not want a relationship, him and this girl
who is younger than I? (weird) are getting close, and it's actually kind of hurting me a little,
but i'm sure it will soon pass,
I started hanging out with these really cool guys,
everything was great,
things became a little complicated with a couple of them,
but I thought we got over that,
and then tonight,
they made me feel horrible, and they all just stared,
after everything I've done for them,
I can't believe it,
it really hurt my feelings, but I can't tell them that,
because honestly they won't really care,
they hate drama just like I do,
so I don't know, I feel like crying, I really don't want too,
I just want to have fun, feel wanted,
yeah mainly to feel wanted,
that's what I truly need right now, and I can't create it for myself,
so i'm lost.


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